Jan 06 2009
Humpty Dumpty and the Steps of Doom
I have to apologize for my absence the last few days. Believe it or not, it has to do with the snow again–only this time for an entirely different reason. If you look at the picture of the front of my house that I’ve included with this post, then you’ll see my front steps. Those steps tried to eat me. Let me explain:
When I arrived home a few nights ago, I was climbing those steps and took a bad fall. It seems that nature played a little trick on me and hid some ice under that snow. I was about to take the very last step to the top when the whole world suddenly flipped over.
From what I can tell and put together from memory, it seems that both my feet suddenly slid forward through the back of the steps while all of the rest of me flipped over backwards. There I was hanging backwards on the steps with all my weight torquing both feet up under the top step and wedging them in place while I’m screaming bellowing in pain.
By all rights, I should have broken both ankles and at least one arm and possibly my neck while cracking my skull open. Instead, I have two spranged ankles, and my left knee is twisted up and hurting pretty bad. Amazingly, though, nothing’s broken. Obviously, I won’t be walking for a while.
Of all the things I’m most thankful for after surviving that, I’m especially grateful to my closest neighbor. It just so happens that he’s a volunteer firefighter, local EMT, and ambulance driver. He heard me scream cry out and came to my rescue. My wife and daughter couldn’t get me up off the stairs. With his help, I managed to get inside out of the freezing snow and get my legs up. As embarrassing it felt at the time, I can’t imagine how long I would have been stuck out there without his help.
After a quick checkover and my repeated insistence that nothing was broken except my dignity, I was left on the couch to hurt and try and recover. That’s when I suddenly remembered the reason I had been in such a hurry. (Yep, you guessed it.) I needed to go to the bathroom…really bad. I was fifteen feet away and had no chance to make it alone. It required the assistance of both my wife and my oldest daughter to get me in there.
It was an extremely painful experience just getting there and getting myself into a position that allowed me to do what I had to do. However, it seems that once I had finished the necessities that had driven me there, I made a horrible discovery. I wish that I could say that it was something manly like a broken bone or blood gushing out of my leg or something like that. But no…not me. Instead, I discovered that my underwear which had fallen down around my ankles was now far beyond my reach. Anything that required me to bend my legs or body was out of the question.
At this point I began doing what any man in such a situation would do–I mean besides whining–I tried to figure out exactly how my wife was going to use this circumstance against me when I called her in for help. I mean, you gotta figure that I was going to be offering her carte blanche rights to cause me extreme humiliation–and possibly even pain. So I ran through the list:
“Now, let me see, is she currently mad at me? Not that I know of. Okay, not very reassuring.
Is she currently on her period? God help me!!! But, no, I’m okay there.
Is she currently angry at children or anyone else that might result in spillover anger directed at me? Not that I know of. Okay, again, not very reassuring.” At this point in my musings, I was seriously considering calling an ambulance for help, but I kept on.
“Let’s see, have I told her I love her today. Yes. Oh, good, that’s good.
Have I said it more than once? Yes. Oh, very good.
Have I told her she’s beautiful today? Yes. Excellent!
Have I told her more than once? No. Oh, crap. Too late now.” By this time, my legs were thumping, my hands were starting to shake, and I was in extreme pain. I had no choice anymore. I had to call her in to help me.
“Honey, can you come in here?”
Immediately, I heard my daughter in the living room burst out laughing and my wife comes up outside the bathroom door and answers me in an uncharacteristically super-sweet voice, “Yes, dear.”
Oh, God, they know!
To make a long story short–if it’s not too late for that already–she helped me and got me out of there and into bed. Anyway, it’s been a long and embarrassing trip (no pun intended) from that top step the other day to posting this today. I hope that this message finds you in better condition. Take care, and be careful out there.
Lesson Learned:
A few compliments a day goes a heck of a long way.
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Maybe it’d be best to avoid the steps of doom in the future. Great post, buddy, and thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Therese
I hated needing help to do the simplest things after my knee surgery. I hope you recover quickly.
Oh my gosh, your misery was soooo funny!
I hope you feel better real soon.
Oh have I ever been there before. I can understand your humiliation and pain because something similar happened to me. Well the bathroom incident anyway. About 3 years ago, I had 2 bulging disks and 1 slipped disk in the lower part of my back. This just seemed to happen over night. I woke up one morning to roll over and that was it. What made it so bad is the last disk that slipped out of place, slip back in catching the siotic nerve. (This was a condition that they said was on going for years and I just ignored it.)
For months my husband had to actually get in the shower and wash me, help me to the bathroom and even pull up and down my clothes because I was unable. Now the shower thing would not be so bad if it was just a case of wanting to and not having to. LOL Anyway what makes this all so bad for me is I was only 32 at the time.
Hope you get to feeling better soon!
OUCH! I feel for you on this one. Snort worthy, yes. But it did make my ankles give just a slight twitch in sympathy pain as well. Take care of yourself now, no pushing it. Let those heal up.
oh nooooo you poor poor dear! My sympathies on your plight; I am just grateful your injuries, like you indicated, are as mild as they are, considering what could have been! Take care, take it easy, and get well soon!
*lynne*
That’s such a terrible thing that happened to you…that I’m so ashamed to tell you…I laughed the entire time I read your post. I’m sorry…for your fall and for laughing. You, too, will look back on this and laugh one day. Remember when I responded to you about hating snow when you showed the beautiful snow-filled backyard? Well, THIS is why. I’m glad you’re doing better and back blogging.
Davida
Hey, all. Just to let you know, my ankles are feeling much better, though my left knee keeps finding ways to suddenly let me know it’s not. Thank you all so much for your kind wishes.
I’m getting around pretty well again, and my fears that my wife would take advantage of the situation were totally unfounded. My family has been great about trying to help me in every way. Now I’m feeling guilty that I’ve actually been the one milking the situation for attention.
@ettarose: Thanks, ettarose, and welcome to my blog. I hope you’ll come back for some of my better posts when I can sit here and type more again.
@Insanity Kim: That kind of disappeared the next day. I think that she knew from the beginning that I wasn’t interested. She’s really good at keeping me wondering when she’s just going through the motions and when she’s serious. On the other hand, she can read me like there was some kind of teleprompter flashing my thoughts across my forehead.
@thehabe: I plan to avoid those steps for the rest of this winter at least, and no problem.
@stephanieebarr: Thanks, stephanie, I am. I’ve already made my daughter mad last night when I kept insisting that I didn’t need to lean on her to get around anymore.
@Justin: Traction is a far undervalued thing. We take it for granted every day. It’s amazing how much that keeps us upright. By the way, the opposite of PMS is SMP which stands for Simple Man Pain. Women will tell you that it’s nothing compared to PMS, but then nearly every woman will tell you that their particular periods are far worse than what is normal for other women. Go figger.
@Kat: Thanks, Kat. I decided when I started this blog that I was going to make it something that people would want to keep coming back to. That means writing everything in a fun or at least interesting way. That’s why I don’t post every day. I don’t always have something worth saying.
@ZoopsNook: Thanks, Zoops. I am getting much better.
@Robin Green: That’s practically a husband’s dream come true, right there.
Actually, as fun as that sounds in theory (not the slipped-disc part), I imagine that it got old really fast. I’m already becoming a pain in the butt about not wanting so much help. I can’t even imagine this as an ongoing thing.
@Stacy: She did come to my rescue, and she didn’t do anything to humiliate me. All my worries were for naught. By the way, I’m not laughing at you either for your bad technology day.
@dickster1961: Just my pride. I guess it’s okay since I wasn’t using it anyway.
@dizzblnd: Hey, dizzblnd, thanks for stopping by and commenting. That was my nightmare, right there, as I called her in to help me.
@Jennifer: Thanks, Jennifer. This is my way of writing to survive. I find it healing to turn almost any event into a humorous story. The alternative is crying about it. I’m really not big on that, and it’s not very interesting anyway.
@nipsy: Thanks, nipsy; I’m still amazed that nothing snapped or broke.
@desperateblogger: I think that my wife would have helped me even if she were mad at me at the time, but not nearly as delicately if you know what I mean. I’ve also discovered that the compliments go even further if I actually mean them.
@Christy: Thanks, Christy.
@lynne: I’ve been taking it easy for about as long as I can stand. Now I have to get back to doing things or my brain will explode.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
@Duni: Hey, Duni, I always appreciate getting new people here. You’re right about the knee injury. It’s taking the longest to heal. Every time I start to forget about it, I get a painful reminder that it’s not up for much use yet.
@Wayne John: Cool, another new commenter. Welcome, Wayne John. You’re right that it had to happen after I got into a position of least pain. It always seems to work that way.
@Heather: Hey, Heather, thanks for joining us here. I’ve been having my wife buy up all the rock salt she can find since then. It doesn’t help much when we get snow a foot or two at a time.
@attygnorris: You got me there. I’m not always that great at living up to the whole “mountain man” thing. I was born, raised, and lived most of my adult life in the city. I didn’t want my kids to grow up that way. For that, it’s still worth it.
@Julie: I am. Thanks, Julie.
@Sherry: Thanks, Sherry. I hope I’ll be able to laugh about this too. Maybe by then, I’ll be able to throw in a hop, skip, and a jump as well. By the way, thank you too for dropping by to comment.
I just found your blog, and was going to just read a little, but I kept reading on and on and on. I love your style! You have a new constant reader. Hope you are getting over your fall.
http://simplethings.today.com
Just know that they probably didn’t know exactly what had happened in the restroom. They were probably thinking more along the lines of “Something About Mary.” Glad to know that you’re doing better know, and hope the rest of your recovery goes well.
http://thezspot.today.com
@countrygirl: Hey, countrygirl. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. That may be the nicest compliment I’ve gotten here yet. Yes, by the way, I am getting better. My knee is the only part that hurts now.
@Z: Hey, Z. Welcome to the blog here. I’m pretty sure that they knew what I needed and that they had been talking about it. Maybe I’m just paranoid that way. Maybe I’m not really the center of their entire universe. Nah, that couldn’t be it.
@deden luo: You’re not alone in that one. No member of my family had ever been where there was snow on the ground until I took them the first time–not even my wife. On the other hand, my two youngest children grew up here in Northern California and just take it for granted. Unlike what you see in movies and cartoons, it’s only light and fluffy for a day or so. It quickly hardens into ice. Also, making a snow man is a much harder job then just rolling a ball of snow around until it magically grows to the proper size. Unless you’re in very deep snow, which has its own problems, you quickly start rolling up dirt if you try that method. Anyway, thanks for stopping by and commenting, and I appreciate your concern. I being extremely careful now.
@PaulsHealthBlog.com: That’s one way to get you woke up and paying attention. There’s no school bus here, but I can’t let my kids walk to school either. One, it’s a little over seven miles away, and two, we have mountain lions and bears around here. By the way, I really appreciate you stopping by to comment. I always love getting new people here.
@Jen: Oh, my gosh, that’s a great story. I’m laughing, but the number of things that could have happened there is just scary. Thanks for sharing that.
@Jude: Thanks, Jude. I appreciate your taking time to come by here and comment considering everything that’s been going on with you recently. My thoughts and sympathies are with you and your family right now. I wish there was something more I could say. Take care.
@Marian: Thank you for the nice thoughts, Marian. I am recovering just fine, although even after three weeks, the inside of that one knee still feels bruised. I’m glad you stopped by and commented. I always like getting new people here.