Dec 30 2008
A Father’s Glare
In case I hadn’t mentioned this before, I happen to be the father of three very beautiful girls. They can’t help it. They take after their mother. Unfortunately, it isn’t the kind of beauty that goes unnoticed by others–especially once they’ve become teenagers. This means that I’ve occasionally had to step in and handle certain “situations.”
I know that my regular readers will by now have formed a certain mental picture of me as a calm, easy-going kind of guy. I’m sure that they think that I would handle such a situation with the dignity, aplomb, and self-control befitting my fatherly role and the wisdom of my years. (Did you just snort?) However, that isn’t quite the way it went.
The very first time this happened with my oldest daughter was years ago when we were sitting at a restaurant eating. (Okay, it was a McDonalds.) She suddenly felt the need to run over to the store next door and buy something. She was strangely indeterminate about the specifics of what it was she needed so suddenly and desperately. However, it had to be right now.
It’s rather insulting, actually, that she believed that I had no clue as to what was going on right outside the gigantic plate-glass window that we were sitting next to. I didn’t even need reading glasses back then, and yet she somehow believed that I hadn’t noticed a certain boy who had just arrived and entered the same store, a certain boy who had already expressed an interest in her.
We’ll call him Lunch. That is, of course, not his real name, but I digress.
I gave my daughter permission to run over to the store as I sat there eating fries and playing the clueless idiot she apparently believed me to be. I even gave her a couple minutes head-start to make the connection I knew she was after. Then I followed. I found them there talking near the front of the store as I stepped out and made my appearance.
I can’t really describe the emotions that overcame me at that particular moment at the thought of my daughter being old enough to attract male attention (such as it was.) I just remember glaring at him and watching amazed as he suddenly started backing away, stumbling over things, and mumbling about having something else to do. Exit one boy.
I remember also that my daughter was rather upset with me. She went on and on at length about how mortified she was and…some other stuff. I don’t remember the rest. I wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy reveling in this new experience.
What a rush. It was like discovering that I had a latent super power that I’d never known about before. I was Glare Man!
Faster than a speeding teenager.
More powerful than a kick in the rear.
Able to cross entire rooms in a single glance.Look, there in the corner!
It’s a bad dude.
It’s an angry dad.
It’s Glare Man!!!!
I’m afraid that I’m not someone who should ever have been entrusted with such a power. It’s so overwhelming and addictive. I quickly lost control of myself. Once I discovered that it worked over distance–first a room, then an entire parking lot–there was no stopping me.
It started out with just the boys who were interested in my daughter. Then it spread to any boy that was unlucky enough to be looking her way. Then it just went completely overboard. My only real fear now is that I’ll cross glares with another father out there one day and we’ll both scare the crap out of each other.
I’ve abused my powers. I’m so ashamed. I need help. Really, I do.
I would stay and tell you more, but there’s a UPS guy heading up the driveway. I’m waiting for my daughter to answer the door before I jump out and get him. My goal is to knock this one right off the deck in one glance. Wish me luck.
Lesson Learned:
Boys will come. Boys will fly. But a father’s glare will never die.
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Boys will come. Boys will fly. But a father’s glare will never die.
Actually, yes it will. Someday, your glare will be completely ineffective and then it will be you that has the crap scared out of you. I’m not saying this to be mean; I have a fourteen year old girl and much pain ahead of me. Just telling you like it is.
@sandy: Thanks for stopping by and commenting, sandy. Yes, power is good. I’m lovin’ it–maybe a little too much.
@stephanieebarr: Now, why would you want to take on the role of my official bubble-burster? I was just beginning to feel safe. I’m afraid that you’ve forced me to pull out the big guns. I’m going to have to hit you with my anti-party-pooper post. Hah, say that three times fast. Wait. No, I didn’t mean it literally, stephanie, Okay, you can stop now. Oh, for crying out loud!
@Jen: Now you tell me. You know, that explains a lot. Of course, when mom’s and dad’s glares cross, guess which one fizzles out first. Come to think of it, guess what fizzles out next. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t go there. I’m trying to keep my content family-oriented.
Hehehehe… “the man” has the same glare.. It’s got to be a guy thing. Although, I would like to lay claim to the “mother’s humph”. One little sound out of my mouth, and they know. I am so not looking forward to my daughter’s teen years. I’ve already chewed one boy out for calling, and she is 11. I simply informed him that as boys still have cooties at this age, there was no need for him to call and speak with my daughter.
She still isn’t speaking with me.
ROFL! My kids are still too young for me to have to worry (much) but I anticipate that I’m going to be the one with the glare when they get a little older. Fortunately for me, moms get the added bonus of being able to glare at unwelcome male AND female attention toward our kids. And you may be thinking that a woman can’t possibly instill much fear in an arrogant young buck after her daughter. But I’d then invite you to ask my husband about the level of fear I can instill.
Excellent post and best of luck with the development of your power. No worries, even after she finds one who won’t be scared off, the glare will occasionally still have its uses to keep him in line.
I know. I’m a professional wet blanket. (My job, literally, is looking over the work of other people and telling them “That won’t work.”) But the more infallible and powerful you think your glare is (and I’m sure it’s fabulous), the more stunned you’ll be when it finally fails. And the daughter in question will laugh at your fall. They’re heartless that way.
But, in the meantime, enjoy!
Good news, the Glare ALWAYS works on dogs
(but never works on cats 
)
@nipsy: Oh, the “mother’s humph” is just hitting below the belt. That just throws everyone into defensive mode. My wife will do that and then run to the store knowing that when she returns the whole house will be cleaned up. As for the boy who dared to call the house, I feel a glare coming on just thinking about it. I think that I would have had something altogether different to say to that boy.
@Autism Insights: I’m sure that once she picks one, she’ll have her own glare to use on him. As for not thinking that a mother’s glare has the power to instill fear, I know better. An angry dad might knock a teenager around a little and put him in his place. An angry mother, on the other hand, has no such limits. She’s liable to use the garbage disposal.
@grace: I’ll settle for humiliation any day. If the guy who’s after my daughter can’t get through a little parental glaring, he doesn’t stand a chance with an intelligent woman who knows what she wants. I figure that I’m doing them both a favor by seeing who’s strong enough to handle stress. Once they’re married, he’ll find my glare to be the least of the things he’ll have to learn to deal with.
@Justin: As a big brother, you normally get permission to go out and hunt them down. However, since you’ve passed the 18 mark, your freedoms to do damage are now severely limited. Of course, you don’t have to tell him that when you show up for a little strong-arm intimidation. If anyone calls you on it, you can always imply that you have friends in low places who are willing to go where you can’t. Just a thought…
@stephanieebarr: Wet blanket, indeed. You’re letting the whole scientific method thing take over your view of everything. Of course I have fallbacks from the glare. I had to get through a glare just like that to be married in the first place. I know its limitations. As for the dogs and cats thing, I think that guys are more like dogs and women are more like cats. Maybe that’s another post I should do. As for the heartless daughter thing, I know quite well that she will. She does now at every chance she gets.
@Nooter: I usually glare at the dog AFTER the poop on the floor. So, what did you chew up to deserve that glare, hmmmmmmm???
Well my friend. For not worrying about how you may be perceived, and for giving us insight into men that not only makes us think, but chuckle, I have nominated you for the lemonade award. I’m sure you have received this before, but take it as it is. Thanks for always keeping it real..Oh yes, you can find it here :http://motherforlife.today.com/2009/01/01/sharing-the-goodness/
I hope you and your family have a great 2009!
My oldest daughter is twelve and also likes to burp the alphabet. Thankfully, for the most part she still thinks boys have the cooties. Both of my dad’s had the glare down along with all of my brothers. Then they wondered why I never kept a boyfriend for more than two dates. They will be over much more often when my girls start dating. I will appreciate it much more now!
Whenever a nice young lady wants to take me to her parents house, I wonder if she’s wanting to know if I will survive Glare Man.
I don’t have kids but, I can relate to the situation. This is a wonderful blog and I am so pleased I found it.
@Insanity Kim: You know what? That won’t matter. I know someone like that who just got engaged. (Not my daughter, by the way.) Love is not only blind, it’s also selectively deaf and incapable of smell. Fear is the only proven deterrent–however short-term that may be.
@kaye: Welcome, kaye. I’m so glad that I could start your new year off well. I’ve discovered that eight months becomes eight years rather quickly, and eight years becomes eighteen years even faster. Thanks for your good wishes and your comment. I hope that you’ll return again soon.
@Petula: I think that I’ll stick with calling them all “Lunch” whether I like them or not. That’s only because “Target Practice” requires too much effort on my part. Doing things wisely is not exactly my strong suit, but I keep trying.
@Jena Isle: Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Jena. I always appreciate getting new people here. You may be the first to have ever “twittered” one of my articles. The boys are still scared, by the way. I intend to keep it that way for a while yet.
@Stacy: Tell him to go for the power tools. Accidents happen all the time with power tools–especially staple guns and nail guns. This allows him to step back and say, “Oopsy, ever so sorry. I do get so clumsy when I think about my daughter throwing her life away or spending too much time on the bad side of the gene pool. Am I being unclear, or would you like me to draw pictures…on your scalp…with a soldering iron? No? Good boy. Now go home. Not that way. Use the back door. There you go. Bye, bye.” You see, Glare Man has many fall back plans.
@nipsy: Thanks for thinking about me, nipsy. I do appreciate it. I’m afraid that I have to decline your award. I wrote about this in a previous post. I don’t want to fill my posts up with a bunch of links to other sites. It’s just not what people come here to read. I hope that you’ll understand and continue to drop by.
@Thomas: Hey, thanks for stopping by and commenting. Personally, I wouldn’t assume that your “potential threats” can read. I would go straight to some very visual communication if you get my drift.
@jmprice3: Ah, so it suddenly all makes sense to you. The problem is that us guys know exactly what those boys are looking at and thinking about, and we don’t like it one bit. Your dad and brothers will do this quite willingly, I’m sure.
@laane: Thanks, laane, not only for the drops but for stopping by to comment. Moms, of course, have their own way of handling these things. I hope that you have a workable solution in mind.
@marcdays: I think that she generally wants both. I think that she wants to see if you can take it, and I think that she wants to see if her parents will like you. If there weren’t any challenges to winning her over, she’d probably create some just to see how you do. They’re funny that way. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
@lannaxe96: I’m glad you found it too. I hope I can continue to create content that you will enjoy. I’m looking forward to trying out a few of your recipes–especially the coffee-related ones. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I know that I say that a lot, but I really do appreciate it. Take care.
I love this blog! My fiance and I are sorta hoping for boys so we don’t have to put up with this stuff. I remember I used to hide my boyfriends from my dad because I didn’t want him to know about them.
You are an amazing writer! My mother had a glare…
@loislane26: Thanks, lois. I think that I would be just as concerned if I had boys. It’s just in my nature. Maybe it’s just a parent thing. I’d be worried that they’d pick up the view of a lot of guys–especially young ones–that their part ends as soon as the fun is over. Their part begins the second they start making adult decisions. I better stop now before I start one of my long dad speeches. The hi8ding boyfriends thing is a scary thought, by the way.
@Barbara: Hey, Barbara, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m still doing my best to keep them away from the front door. With my oldest being 22 now, that will probably get a little more difficult. On the plus side, she makes far more intelligent choices about those kinds of things then she used to.
@recoveryrocks: Wow, thanks. That’s some pretty impressive praise. I appreciate it. By the way, all mothers have a glare. It comes with the job.
I nominated you for the Lemonade Award! I think your blog is great and very worthy of this award! To get your award and find out more about it, please go to http://storiesnstuff.today.com/2009/01/01/lemonade-award-to-storiesnstuff/
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DESERVE IT!
Marie
mystories.visitmarie.com
[EDIT]…extra link removed…[/EDIT]
Oh Yes! They are not only willing but already making plans on how they are going to intimidate them as well as torture them at any sign of impropriety. LOL
Lemonade Award
I was nominated for the Lemonade Award by http://recoveryrocks.today.com/ This is my first-ever blog award. I was really delighted to receive this award and hope that this award can be given to many more blogs in the future. I think it is a lovely idea and is a way of sending love and sharing the kindness that other people give when they write blogs. [Edited]
Now, I get to pass the Lemonade Award forward:
[EDIT]…extra links removed…[/EDIT]
I already gave you the award before I read your comment that you got it, but you can have it twice, lol!
My oldest daughter just reached that age. So far my husband has yet to exercise his glare abilities, I’m hoping his talents can rival yours and he can scare the crap out of any long-haired-skinny-jean-wearing hooligan within a mile radius. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
Another hilarious post.
My dad had the GLARE too. I hated it then…but, now I get it. I have a daughter. Heaven help anyone who thinks of looking at her. I guess she’ll eventually get married…at 35 or so.
Davida
Congratulations! You’ve been nominated for (yet again lol) the Lemonade Award!
http://beingbipolar.today.com
I apologize to all of you for not getting back to you sooner. I took a bad fall the other day. I just finished writing about it for my next post.
@mariemyers & mickie31 & atorturedsoul: Thank you all so much for thinking about me and wanting to share this award, but, as I’ve had to state before, I really can’t accept it–primarily because of all the linking it would require me to do. I really am honored by the thought, though.
@jmprice3: I’m still at the point where impropriety means being interested at all.
@eastcoastlife: Ouch, the double standard thing. I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t be like that, but I guess I’ll never know for sure. Maybe there’s an assumption that the sons had already made it through the glare treatment and passed that hurdle. Who knows? By the way, thanks for stopping by and commenting.
@RightMan: Hey, welcome to my blog, RightMan. I thought I knew that well known fact when I started having daughters, but the reality of it and the feelings behind it don’t really hit home until you’re there and it’s happening to you and your daughter.
@Jane Doe: Now that’s awesome. That’ll put some serious fear into them young hearts. I hope that you’ll stop by again soon.
@Linda: You’re right about that. With the youngest being eight years old, I’ve got at least 25 more years of glaring to do.
@ZoopsNook: Glad to hear it, Zoop. I try to return all the drops in my inbox (except recently when I could barely get to the computer.) Thanks for the drop as well as stopping by and commenting.
@diesel: Any trip to the local mall will tend to remove the idea of evolutionary genetic safeguards to mating. After seeing some of the teenagers pairing up there, you can’t help but wonder if our gene pool has any filters whatsoever.
@mrsbear0309: Keep them crossed around a rolling pin just in case. Better yet, get a good pair tin snips. Let them boys formulate their own ideas about what you’re planning with that. By the way, thanks for joining us here. I always love getting new readers.
@attygnorris: That’s the plan right there. As I’ve told my daughter, “If you’re going to make a really stupid decision, wait until we’re both old enough to deal with the consequences.”
@Julia: Feel free. Take your time. I’m slow anyway.
@schizoshrink: Thanks. It’s the dad thing. It comes out in all of us eventually.
I’ve always had the Glare. But it has a lot more application now. I’m actually looking forward to my toddler daughter growing up - if the boys are scared when they meet me, they’ll cr*p themselves when they meet her mother. She is MUCH scarier.
I also have had two teenage stepdaughters land on the house a coupla months ago. Oh dear Lord. I was hoping to have a decade before I had to put up with this sort of thing.
@davidgerard: My 22-year-old is technically a step-daughter, though I don’t tend to think in those terms anymore. I’ve raised her since she was six. By the way, it’s okay to say crap on my blog. I say crap all the time, and look where it’s gotten me.