Dec 24 2008
And Justice For Whom?
If you’re reading this, then my message has managed to get out. Please, I need your help. I don’t have much time. Listen carefully, I’m an American citizen and my libido is being held against my will. I know you scoff at this, but you have to understand the seriousness of the matter.
I can hardly believe that it all started just yesterday. It seems like such a long time ago now. Let me relate the events to you as quickly as I can:
It began normally enough, having just arrived home from a family get-together. I was standing in the kitchen when I began to notice a change in my wife’s behavior. I had the distinctive feeling of a cold, icy stare drilling into the back of my head.
“What’s wrong?” I asked without turning.
Dead silence. I turned to face the onslaught that I sensed was coming. There she was…giving me “that look”…the really bad one.
“What’s wrong?” I repeated.
“You know what’s wrong.”
I didn’t, but that’s how it all began. If only I’d known then what was coming, maybe things would have turned out differently. I don’t know. Maybe I would have had a chance.
Interjection
I want to know why we grant criminals more rights than we’re willing to give ourselves. Why do criminals get a Miranda Warning that married men are not allowed. I want it added to the marriage ceremony right after the “richer, poorer, sickness, health” bit and before the “death do us part” bit. I want to see a decorated police officer step out, grab the groom by the collar, look him straight in the eye, and say the following:
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you…not in a court of law, mind you, but wherever she deems it necessary to bring it up and however long she wants to talk about it. You will wish to God Himself that you had the right to have an attorney present during questioning, but you won’t, buddy! You’re on your own. You have no further recourse after this day. Do you understand these rights? Are you still stupid enough to go through with this?
This should be followed by a great deal of slapping, but it isn’t. This doesn’t happen. Heck no. We’re just pushed out there like lambs to the slaughter.
Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch…
It took me a while to get to the heart of what was going on with my wife. It apparently had to do with a certain cousin of hers that had been at this family gathering
“Pearl??? You have a cousin named Pearl?? Who has a name like Pearl anymore?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about? I saw you staring at her.”
“I stared at someone named Pearl? C’mon, I didn’t have that much to drink.”
“Yes, you stared at her. Remember, the one with the red sweater.”
“Oh, wait, you mean the one that looked like she fell in a peroxide vat?”
“Don’t even try to act like you were looking at her hair. I saw you. You were ogling her.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. I wasn’t ogling her. I was laughing at her. Did you see her chest?” (Remind me to add this to my list of things to never say to my wife.)
“So you admit it?!? I can’t believe you!”
“C’mon, I wasn’t looking at her chest like that. That girl has so much silicone that she could be classified as a flotation device. I was laughing at her.”
“Forget it. I don’t know why I even try to talk to you.”
“You call this talking?” (Definitely another addition to the list.)
“Just leave me alone.”
“But I thought you wanted to forget it?”
“I do.”
“Then why are you taking your pillow and the blanket to the couch?”
“Because I want to lay down and watch TV?”
“But it’s 12:30 at night. Can’t we just go to bed?”
“You can do anything you want. You’ve already proven that!”
“Proven what? I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“Well, now you have time to think about it, don’t you?”
And there it was. My night was shot. Now I’m sitting here in my bedroom turned prison cell. Where are the rules of evidence? What about due process? How does one person become accuser, prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner? Where are my rights? Where’s Perry Mason when you need him? What about the constitution? Someone call my congressman.
Why do convicted prisoners get to file numerous appeals against airtight cases while married men get absolutely no appeal whatsoever? Where did we go wrong as a society? Someone, somewhere, please do something. Please help me. Please. I’m begging you. No, don’t leave me here! HELP!!! Please.
Lesson Learned:
In the immortal words of that great thinker of our time, Benny Hill, “Put a ring upon her finger and a rope around your neck.”
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You’ve got to start wearing tinted glasses so no one can see your eyes.
I assume you failed to get a prenupital agreement. If I’d known you before you married, I would have told you to get one.
Honestly, decide if you want to accept your wife’s behavior or not. She’s obviously chosen to deal with you; she hasn’t left. If you want to stay with your wife, stop whining and consider endearing the traits the rest of us would find annoying. Otherwise, the best Christmas present you can give yourself is a fresh start and a new chance at being a single man.
Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year. In an attempt to spread the Christmas cheer I am reading and commenting on as many blog posts as I can in 24 hours. I hope you have a lovely Christmas. I hope you work things out with your wife.
I really don’t know what to say about this, I’d rather stay out of it…
PS, Maninthemoon, I’ve added you to my blogroll:
http://retroyakking.today.com/
Cheers, and hope you can patch things up somewhat
You poor man. I feel so bad for you. We women are nuts you know. Just tell her you were comparing how much prettier she is than her cousin. How she is the most beautiful one in the whole family. I hope it works. Works with my hubby all the time. Good luck. By the way, I love your blog.
I don’t know what to say except I’ll pray for you. Of course you could try one of your award winning poems.
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@Justin: Unfortunately, we have a very comfortable couch. I begin to wonder if perhaps that wasn’t the goal to begin with.
@Insanity Kim: I really appreciate your insider’s advice, and I’ve been practicing over and over again from your templates. Really. After much work and force of will, I can nearly get to the end of the first one without snickering, but the second one (the Johnny Depp thing) just makes me burst out laughing every time. Sadly, I’m not one of those guys that can talk like that and keep a straight face. Do you have anything a little less Johnny Depp and a little more Dennis Quaid, because I can really work the dorky smile? By the way, thanks for video link. I’m making that my next post.
@Jen: I know I can’t win. I have to at least make a show of trying, though. In regards to your question, I’m going to stand on my fifth amendment right not to incriminate myself–if I even have that right left.
@jodapoet: I thought that it was pretty clear that mine was not an interested look. Apparently, I need to rethink that.
@xzchief: Yikes!!! I’m not looking for a new start. Where else would I find a beautiful woman willing to put up with my particular brand of humor? We’ve lasted 16 years through a lot worse than this. Also, I would never have done the prenup thing even if I had known you. Marriage is forever. As for the whining thing, this is where I come to spill all that stuff out that I would otherwise have to hold in, where I complain about having to deal with all things female. It’s the very purpose of this blog.
@mickie31: Thank you very much for stopping by and commenting. How did your 24-hour commenting binge go?
@Stacy: Yeah, it’ll pass–kinda like constipation. Now let’s all sing the “Life Goes On” song.
@Aria’z Ink: Thanks, and good advice. Maybe part of the problem is the Chap-Ice I’ve been using on my lips. That tingling menthol is probably not so soothing in more sensitive areas. Who knew? (Insert mischievous and not quite so innocent look here.)
@hindleyite: Thanks, hindleyite. It’s already patched up. You’re probably right. This is one of those situations where it’s better to be looking very intently in another direction.
@Terry Glisman: Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Terry. That never works with my wife. She’s a beautiful woman who can never see that about herself. She’s the only one, though.
@Dickster: I’d say that the “You know what’s wrong” thing is worse. The other one I can dig for, but that one I’m expected to know. By the way, thanks for stopping by and commenting.
@jmprice3: For the poetry to work, she has to be in the mood and willing to let me get past the first line. I think I’ll try singing to her instead.
@wizdumbckr: Thanks for stopping by and commenting, and especially thanks for thinking of me. I truly appreciate the offer of the award, but I have to decline it for reasons I’ve stated previously. I’m sorry about that, but these things tend to pile up rather quickly.