Dec 22 2008
We (DON’T) Need To Talk
So I’m walking through my living room when my wife comes up to me and says, “We need to talk.” Now I ask you, has anything good ever followed those words? Is there any reason at all that I should expect to hear something that I will really want to hear?
Those words are never followed by a sincere apology or an offer to do more things for you. This isn’t where someone admits to neglecting you and tries to change that. Everyone knows that the first reaction to those words is a quick self-examination.
What the heck did I do wrong–this time?
As I steal myself to the coming tirade, I think that it’s important to point out the wrongfulness of those words. No one who says “We need to talk.” actually wants to talk. They want to rant.
Let me offer an alternative. It’s called the truth. Try it sometime. It’s an amazing thing. Next time, instead of saying, “We need to talk.” say this instead:
I need to rant…at length…without interruption…or disagreement. In fact, no matter what you think of what I’m about to say or how ridiculous I get, I expect you to agree and apologize…repeatedly. Frankly, it’s the only thing that’s going to keep me from resorting to violence. So, here goes–
You see, absolute truth in advertising. It reminds me of that old joke about why women always have the last word in any argument–because everything that follows her last word is a new argument. (That’s not funny. Quit laughing.)
Now, as I make my way yet again into the breech, dear friend, I ask that you think of me often and remember me fondly. I go forth where every married man has been before–into the trenches. Lift a beer for me, and pray I don’t cave.
Lesson Learned:
I don’t know. She hasn’t told me yet.
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I had to try just what you said and be honest up front instead of using the phrase “We need to talk”. Once it was said my husband turned around and said “huh” a few times with a look of misunderstanding on his face till finally he said “Do we need to talk or something?” Once I explained to him your concept, he was dying laughing and said please don’t confuse me like that again, stick to what your good at.
I’ll be honest…
You’re in trouble.
If you don’t blog in a few days, we’ll send out the dogs. Where do u think she might bury you?
“We need to talk” is probably the single most terrifying phrase in the english language - Hollywood could add this to anyone of the terrible horror flicks coming out these days and its scare factor would increase 10 fold to the entirety of the mail audience.
The problem is that no matter how minor the issue is it’s likely to be blown completely out of proportion by your significant other to a point where minuscule details are turned into World War II.
Over the course of my last relationship, the whole 2 years, my ex-girlfriend said this phrase to me at least a dozen times - Each and everytime I thought she had found out some deep dark secret of mine and the relationship was through. . .Only to find out it was something stupid.
LMAO! Tonight, I’ll drink two maybe three. Today has been one of those days. Thanks for the laugh I so needed that.
I used to say that to my roommates… they knew just from the tone of voice when I said that phrase… I stopped saying it after hubby #1…
Hope you have all your presents Crap-Wrapped and a happy holidays to you and your family!
@Robin Green: That reaction just proves my point. He had no idea of what to do with the truth. By the way, if you’re going to actually listen to my advice and apply it, I should probably clarify some of the usual legalities:
Advice presented here is as is. It comes with no warranty or guarantee of any kind. Use at your own risk. The management here will not be held responsible for the results. Mileage may vary. Some settling may occur. Etc., etc., etc.
@Kim: Bury me? I live in a 10,000-acre wilderness surrounded by mountains, national forests, lakes, rivers, etc. She could just drop my body outside next to the garbage cans and let the bears, coyotes, and mountain lions clean up the mess. Besides, who’d be there to lecture if I were gone? (Don’t answer that.)
@Justin: I could picture that movie, Justin. They’ll call it, “Nightmare On Your Street.” Men will come screaming out of theaters everywhere. Emergency rooms will be overcrowded with hyperventilating guys on the verge of heart attacks mumbling “It was horrible.” over and over again. It’s a guaranteed hit. As for the other part of what you said, I’ve been reading about that on your blog. Isn’t it just weird how women can turn our best laid plans for revenge into a bad joke on us. Where do they learn that? Is that what moms are teaching their daughters while dad’s are teaching sons about cars and how to burp the Star-Spangled Banner?
@Jeanie: No problem, Jeanie. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I love your post about your daughter helping you and dancing to the washing machine. Now you’ve brightened my day too.
@Aria’z Ink: Everyone knows what those words mean. They mean get out while you still can. I love the crap-wrapping reference, by the way. Wrapping the last-minute gifts with the crappy, leftover wrapping paper also bought at the last minute seems to be a tradition among many people. Fess up, how many dollar-store gifts did you have grab?
Oh, that’s funny! Well, maybe not for you, depending on what the ‘talk’ ends up being…I’ll be looking for the follow up!
“The Talk” is never funny - At least not outwardly. No matter how minor, if you laugh or show signs of amusement you’ve put yourself in store for another “The Talk”.
Amen brother! The other feared words in my house are, when she has sent me to get something, “It’s right there!” meaning of course if she had put it where she thought she had it would be easy to find, but since she actually laid it down God knows where, i should be able to find it anyway, and quickly too.
I Stumbled this for you. merry Christmas and thanks for the ads!
OK so maybe these four words have been a little misused by the female persuasion on a few occasions. I just toss out the “we need to talk” and generally go strait for the ranting. That is unless the kids are directly underfoot, but that is just me. As for the rest of woman kind, they should get to the point too. None of this pussy footing around any more.
Directly yours,
Julia.
I don’t even bother with “We need to talk”. I just get out my pointed hat and flying broom and go straight in for the kill.
Davida
@Stacy: Oh, there’s a follow-up coming, let me tell you. Just you wait and see. Yes, sirree.
@Justin: “The Talk” is an amazingly one-way thing, isn’t it?
@Dan Brantley: “Right there” is actually a term defined in my female to English translation book as “somewhere within two miles of where I’m pointing.” Don’t ask for a copy; I paid dearly for this. After all, how many testicles do I really need?
@Julia: The need to rant is never gender-specific. It’s this particularly misleading approach to it that I find objectionable.
@attygnorris: Ouch. Now that’s just scary.
Thanks so much. I will be waiting for the followup as well. Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.
Man, I actually didn’t raid the midnight sale at the Dollar Store ~~ this year ~~ But, I have spent many a Christmas trying to keep the Chucky-Reindeer on said crap-wrap from giving me the evil eye… and jumping out to get me… I always keep a sideways eye on the Chucky faces on crap-wrap… LOLOLOL I’m still here! Hope it was blissfully happy for you and your family!
@jmprice3: Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I left a comment on your “Dance Baby, Dance” post a few days ago, but it never showed up. Hope everything’s well with you.
@Aria’z Ink: Chucky-Reindeer??? What the heck is Chucky-Reindeer?? Should I be picturing the possessed doll, or is this something different?
Thanks for letting me know. I don’t know what happened to the comment. It says I do not have any in moderation.
@jmprice3: No problem. It was nothing major. I was just agreeing with the sentiment of that post.