Dec 11 2008
Because I Read About It Somewhere
I am so tired of the things that get passed around my house as fact because my wife or one of my daughters “read it somewhere.” I don’t mind it so much when it results in one of the weird concoctions they put on their faces–powdered milk and eggs comes to mind–but when it starts threatening my cup of coffee, I draw the line.
You see, the other day I walked into my own kitchen, set my half-full coffee cup down on the counter and reached for something in the cupboard. Next thing I know, I’m being told by my wife that I have to dump the whole cup and get a new one.
See if you can follow the reasoning here, because I missed it entirely. It’s the leaps of feminine female fuzzy logic that lose me, the idea of going from a tiny morsel of fact into nonsensical extrapolations to unrelated subjects. (Wow, look at all those syllables I had rattling around loose in my head.)
It seems that she had just finished using that very counter to get some hamburger meat ready for dinner and hadn’t washed it down yet.
“Right,” I said, “I’ll move the cup.”
“No, it’s too late. It was already on the counter.”
“Look, it’s not like you had the meat right on the counter. It was on that big platter you had out here.”
“Yeah, but some of the juice might have splattered.”
“So?”
“So, it’s on your cup. You could get E. coli or botulism or something. I read this article about a guy who died from that just because he leaned on a counter.” This is the point in the conversation where I’m ready to lick the counter to save my cup of coffee.
“I think I’ll take my chances,” I said obstinately raising the cup to take a drink.
“Okay,” she said quickly, “but don’t try to kiss me after you drink that. I don’t want to be sick.” That’s just hitting below the belt. Then, just for good measure, she adds, “I read that it could take days, maybe even weeks, for any symptoms to show up.
“That’s…” 
“I…” “Crap!” Okay, I caved. I dumped it and put the cup in the sink. But even as I gave in, the seeds of this post were planted.
Men Facts: Because We Said So
Here, for all the men out there, I give you a list of things that you will now be able to say that you read somewhere, and because you “read it somewhere,” it will now officially be beyond doubt or argument…just like her list. 
-
The Dirty Surfaces Rule
- Any dish or surface that looks reasonably clean, is!
-
The 30-Second Rule
- Food that gets picked up off the ground in less than 30 seconds is still edible and may in fact contain additional vitamins and minerals making it even better for your body than it was before.
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The Dirty Clothes Rule
- Dirty clothes aren’t really dirty as long as there’s nothing obvious on them and they don’t smell rank.
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The Underwear Rule
- Underwear that hasn’t completely disintegrated is still wearable.
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The Driving Rule
- There’s no need to ask for directions if you know for certain where you’re going or you’ve now figured out what you did wrong.
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The Beer Rule
- Beer is a dietary staple and a very important part of a healthy diet and lifestyle.
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The Hand-Washing Rule
- Repeated washing of men’s hands is terribly bad for their skin and may permanently scar their psyche.
Okay, guys, you’re now armed with knowledge you can use to fight back. It must be true. You “read it somewhere.” If you happen to think of any that I missed, then please comment below and share your thoughts. That will give us even more things that we “read somewhere” and can therefore use in this ridiculous battle of the misused readings.
Now, go forth!!! Fight the good fight!! Win one for the home team! Whatever, just go do it.
Lesson Learned:
Turnabout is fair play.
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The more I read your blog, the more I like your wife. You must be quite a handful to put up with.
I LOVE your blog… I’ve lived in a house full of boys and like your point of view… Your wife sounds like my daughter, though !!! By the way, I tried to post a comment by hitting the “comment” link in the Participate and Share area and kept getting a 404 Error… I was getting desperate until I got to the comment area at the bottom… I’ve added you to my blogroll !!
You would get along great with my husband. He wants to write a book that’s call “makes sense to me” lol because he says things bass ackwards (amazingly I still understand) but we laugh at him and that’s always his tag line.
I am a little like your wife but not so extreme. I understand that you should not have licked the bottom of the cup, ha ha but it’s okay. We mean well =)
I wash my hands after touching my shoe laces because on Sopranos once Pauly mentioned how dirty they have to be and it stuck in my head. If I touch raw meat I wont put my fingers anywhere near my mouth even after washing my hands 101 times.
I love your blog and I’ll definitely have to come back to read. =)
[EDIT]…extra link removed…[/EDIT]
http://findingworkathome.today.com
@Mary Parks: Yeah, actually, I probably am. She’s managed to smooth out a few of my rough edges though and mellow me out over the years. However, those tendencies still resurface now and then.
@ocmist: Thanks for the compliment and the heads-up about the bad link. I fixed it. By the way, it’s good to have someone desperate to comment.
@not4ureyes2c: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Maybe you should show your husband the post. He might have a few things to add to my list.
I understand the fact that the women in my life mean well in these things they do; it’s just so exasperating. Hope to hear from you again soon.
And following these cave man-rules will earn you a night on the couch-without the remote.
alicia
@curlydesign & Toni: That’s exactly why I’m not going to tell her. I’m not as stupid as I look, you know. I’ve been playing this marriage game for a long time.
What Mary Parks said. Bwahahahahahaha. I think you are a hoot.
Have a terrific day.
“It’s the leaps of feminine female fuzzy logic that lose me, the idea of going from a tiny morsel of fact into nonsensical extrapolations to unrelated subjects.”–Whoa! That was a mouthful or whatever the reading equivalent is.
Your wife just loves you so much and wants to keep you safe from harm. Gotta love that!
Davida
I really had something witty to say but I lost it when the daughter stapled the cat just now. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. And I know your wife means well but seriously it was the bottom of your cup right? Do the germs crawl up that fast?
some posts just make me happy my hubby doesn’t bother with the Internet or blogs… he will never get to see your rules
Yet another good one. However, I don’t think I will share this one with “the man”, he might get some new ideas, and he has enough of them already.
@Justin: I only try to follow those rules. Most of the time, I can’t get away with it. The “Pursuit of Sex Rule” does make a good addition, though.
@Jude: Hey, Jude (I always wanted to say that.
), welcome to the blog. My guess is that “they” are a secret society of women who occasionally create and circulate made-up facts meant solely to annoy men. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
@Comedy Plus: Mary did hit a little close to home there. Thanks for stopping by.
@attygnorris: Yeah, that sentence just escaped me. I knew it right when I typed it, and I do love that about my wife AMONG MANY OTHER WONDERFUL THINGS. (Gotta be careful in case my wife ever reads this.)
@Dan Brantley: I used to have a bar chart on the wall that I clipped out of Mad Magazine years ago. It was from The Bureau of Meaningless Statistics and had one big bar, one small bar, and one squiggly line. They were labeled “This,” “That,” and “The Other Thing.”
@redheadranting: Hey, welcome. I think the stapling the cat story was pretty witty. It certainly sounds like something to build a blog post out of. As far as the germs go, I don’t know if she thought they’d crawl up the side or be transferred to another surface when I put the cup down. Either way, I lost the cup.
@flit & nipsy & schizoshrink: Shame on you for withholding such valuable information from the men in your life.
@schizoshrink: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I always appreciate getting new people here.
Now, I would have had to agree with you on that cup of coffee thing. It would be on the BOTTOM of the cup, nowhere near your lips.
And who wastes a perfectly good cup?
My sister had to take health classes which involved many videos of gnarly stuff that happens with food…she has become a food nazi. She gets enraged if we leave eggs on the counter for 10 minutes, leave butter out, eat raw cookie dough or lick the spoon of the cake batter.
Being the little sister, I stuff more raw cookie dough in my mouth and chew slowly while my making yummy noises.
My feeling is that if my 90 year old grandma lived that way and she is now 90 and healthy as a horse, it won’t hurt me.
Plus, germs are good for you, they build resistance. raw cookie dough that fell on the kitchen floor is okay if picked up within 15 seconds. Now if it was dropped outside, that would be another story.
~Kelly
http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/
You’re hilarious; sounds like my fiance and me. I like your blog layout and widgets.
@Kelly: I don’t need any kind of excuse to eat raw cookie dough.
I know what you mean about the food nazi thing. At one point when I was a kid and my parents were buying a local restaurant (Okay, it was a bar.), they were required to watch a number of videos like that in order to get a restaurant license. My mom had the whole house stinking of ammonia for months after that as she would try to clean into every crack and crevice anywhere near the kitchen.
@Jenn: Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Jenn. I keep suggesting to my wife that she should just let me get sick and learn my lesson, but that never works.
@madrigalblue: Thanks, madrigalblue. It’s hard sometimes to pick which widgets to include and which to leave out. There are so many good ones out there now. I just don’t want my blog to be so loaded down with outside content that the page takes forever to load or the sidebar becomes useless for finding anything. Anyway, I hope that you’ll keep coming back and that I’ll hear more from you later.
OK I didn’t read it, I saw it on TV. does that count? seems that science has proven that “thinking” about exercise is almost as effective as exercising itself and if combined with some real exercise it is more beneficial than exercise alone. Therefore those football games you watch are a must for a healthy body because you must have the benifit of thinking about exercise as well as exercise. The game makes you think about exercise.
does that help any?
I’m obviously not married, or I would not give you this one, right? LOL
@cathycouey: Oh, that’s a good one. Cool, now I’ve “read it somewhere.”
I object to this being characterized as strictly a female thing. It’s not just because I’m a scientist and know how to check my facts (as well as being a professional skeptic).
My first husband, who like Pooh, had very little brain, once through away a huge steak because it had slipped off the plate onto the counter top I HAD JUST WASHED.
Here’s a hint on the worries regarding germs:
Only child - germophobe (and, probably, always sick)
One of large family - won’t not eat food unless it is clearly contaminated with unrinse-off-able stuff like baby poop.
For the record, baby poop will get me to throw away food.
My husband just doesn’t wear underwear. It saves a lot of arguments.
That’s THREW away. Damn homophones!
@stephanieebarr: Your first husband threw away MEAT? No wonder he’s gone. (I feel a new post coming on.) And the new husband goes commando as a way of life? Clearly a man among men.
You’re right that it’s not exclusively a female thing. However, I feel pretty comfortable characterizing it as primarily or mostly a female thing. The guy thing (primarily) is to claim facts and ways of doing things as our own and therefore requiring no further need of explanation or rational.
By the way, I’m not homophonic; you didn’t have to come back and correct that. What you should have corrected was the double negative. I nearly had to resort to thinking for that one.
@The Hussy Housewife: (Everyone please note that I didn’t call her that.) Hey, welcome to the blog. The “golden vagina” card…I love it. That’s what happens when someone has a Monopoly on something.
It pops up now and again in the Chance pile and your stuck with it. Don’t even get me started on Community Chest. (Look where our minds are going now.)
@Julie: Hey, Julie. Entrecard is how I found your blog. It’s a great service for getting new people to come and check you out. There’s a lot of great stuff out there that I never would have found otherwise–like your site. (I check out sites before I consider advertising on them.) I hope you’ll come back often.
I am required to challenge your brain with nonstandard word uses and sentence structure. You know, for emphasis. And using the rules to uit myself IS a female thing.
@stephanieebarr: Hah!!! Who’s stereotyping now, huh?? Challenge my brain, indeed. Why I’ll have you know…uhm…something important…wait, it’ll come to me. What was I talking about?
@Insanity Kim: Alternate reasoning??? What a funny euphemism. I’ve been married for a very long time. I know how this works. We get a good trump hand, and you burn the deck. Game’s over. We lose.
@Aithne: Welcome back, bedrestmommy. I love the new look of your blog that goes along with the new domain. I especially like the decidedly humorous turn you’ve taken. By the way, I’m not allowed to make cookies in my house. The cookie dough never makes it to the oven. No one will ever see a single cookie if get to the dough first. Thanks for coming back, and take care.