Dec 05 2008
The Longs Way Home
Tell me if this doesn’t sound familiar to every married guy out there:
I’m driving through town at night with my family headed home from a friend’s house when I spot a Longs Drugs. I pull in to make a quick stop for some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I go in and haven’t even made it to the frozen foods section in the back of the store before my wife appears beside me with a bottle of something she wants me to buy.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Makeup remover,” she tells me.
“Are we out of soap?”
“Soap doesn’t work.”
“Are you kidding?” I ask incredulous. “It gets the car grease off me every time.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t clean down into your pores. Besides, soap is horrible for your skin.”
“It doesn’t seem to hurt my skin any.”
“Yeah, but your a guy, so it doesn’t really matter.”
Ignoring the implied insult since this is one of those opportunities we guys always wait for, I immediately reach out to pull her close and make a brilliantly seductive comment about getting home and proving my manhood when she suddenly does this spinning turn that takes her right out of my reach and she’s headed away mumbling about the other makeup items she also remembers needing. I’m telling you now, professional football players should study that maneuver.
Anyway, I was about to continue on my original journey to the ice cream section when I happened to glance up at the big security mirrors that surround the inside of the store. There they were, my three daughters, all converging on me from different areas of the store, and all with items in their hands. I only had seconds to react.
I ducked behind a mid-aisle display, cut through an opening to an aisle filled with vitamins, diet pills, and weight loss products. No one would ever think to look for me there. Thus I made it to the back by the pharmacy and spotted my new goal–the bathrooms.
Only seconds ahead of the pack, I had to cross a wide open area to reach safety. I charged ahead. In my mind, I’m doing the Quasimodo thing and shouting “Sanctuary! Sanctuary!” as I run. Then I made it. I cut around the corner. I was home free…
…and there’s the bathroom door propped open with a mop bucket and some guy inside singing while he cleans.
They caught me there in that indecisive moment between deciding whether to kill this poor guy or make a break for the store room and the loading bay doors.
“Dad, I’m out of–”
“No!”
“Dad, I need–”
“No!”
“Dad, can I have–”
“No!”
That’s when I spot my wife headed back toward me pushing a basket loaded with small items. It’s been maybe thirty seconds. How the heck did she manage to find a basket and load it that fast when she normally spends ten minutes looking at one item before buying it?
“Are you ready?” she asks cheerfully while motioning the girls to put their stuff back…which they did without a single argument. I should have realized at that moment that I’d been had, that this Pincer maneuver was all part of a battle plan that would have made any general proud. But I didn’t.
I found myself at the front of the store shelling out $50 for one small bag of god knows what, and now I’m sitting here at home in front of my computer with no ice cream to drown my sorrows in.
And you think men don’t cry.
Lesson Learned:
Never lose focus of your real goals in life.
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Lmao… I have three children of my own. I felt your pain.. Great read!
@Justin: Apparently, my repeated refrain of “I’ll be right back” as I left the car wasn’t good enough.
@nipsy: The real is knowing just how easily I can be outmaneuvered by my family. Thanks, though.
@Jen: Thanks for coming by, Jen. Comments and returning visitors are always the best compliments. I hope to see you back.
@Dan Brantley: Can you picture the conversation we would have on that subject over a beer? We would sound just like a couple of women.
“Oh, don’t even get me started on that…the stories I could tell you…”
It just wouldn’t be pretty.
By the way, I do appreciate the Stumbles. I did the same along with a Digg for your article, Odd Is In The Details, not because I owe you, but because it was a heck of a good piece well worth recommending to others. That’s why you’re also on my blogroll.
Your post made me smile, especially about the makeup remover. Sounds like something my brother and sister-in-law would talk about! I’m going to get married in the next two years and it will be interesting to see all of the things we will bicker about. We already bicker about some things.
@loislane26: Welcome, Lois, glad you stopped by and even took the time to comment. I’m even more happy that I gave you something to smile about. As for your brother, I’m sure he’s had this conversation. It goes with the territory. We guys don’t have a clue why women do half the things they do.
Also, just so you know, we guys believe that only women bicker. We, on the other hand are advancing a valid, logical, and coherent argument in the face of illogical emotionalism. Oops, forget I said that; my wife is coming!
@Julia: So, you just dropped by to rub it in, did you? Sure, why not? I can take it. ::sniffle:: Yeah, no problem. Really (Are you falling for any of this yet?)
@aboulomania: Ha, I knew it! I knew this wasn’t an isolated incident. You’re all in it together. The truly sad thing is that such a trick would never work in reverse. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, by the way.